youre lurking in front of me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
