Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
