2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
