In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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