if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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