I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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