Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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