I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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