i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
