I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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