cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize