Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
