just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
