apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
