just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
