rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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