i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i've created a new STD.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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