I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
operation have a gay friend backfired
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
