My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I enjoy the company of your penis
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
