Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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