I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
