She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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