Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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