and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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