me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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