Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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