woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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