the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
