I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
