Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
