No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
