My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
