I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
