So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
