I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
