She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
