i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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