What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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