Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
