My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
