Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
