Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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