i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
