Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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