Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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