at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
