Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize