but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
