I cannot find my penis.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize