forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
