It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
