Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
