allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
