he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
