I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
