Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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