Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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