Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
