the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
