That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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