I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
