Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You smell like stripper and shame
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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