ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just googled if crying burns calories
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize