This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
