with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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