Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
