I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize