I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
