I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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