We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
