Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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